The other day I was pondering how the American Academy of Pediatrics only seems to recommend things that babies universally hate. It’s almost as if they strive to make this whole parenting gig as difficult as possible. This idea was reinforced for me when we went to our discharge seminar at the hospital after Little Cheese was born. Given what the pediatrician running the thing had to say, it is honestly a freaking miracle that Cha Cha has made it to three.
My offenses, in no particular order:
1. Turned her around in that car seat as soon as she hit the “one year and 20lbs mark.” I know they should stay rear-facing until they head to college, but man I hated the screaming. Little Cheese already weights 20lbs, you all know what is coming 11/12/10 right?
2. I didn’t breastfeed. The more militant lactivists would argue that my kids should be sickly, allergy riddled, obese, and lacking in IQ points all while never having bonded properly with me. Or should they?
3. We did some co-sleeping. Despite the ill-founded threats of the hospital staff, co-sleeping is not correlated with an increase in SIDS. It is called meta-analysis, look into it.
4. We sleep trained. That’s right, I let my kids cry it out. Sure it was tough, but now my preschooler is out of my hair from 7pm to 7am, and the little one is well on her way to this schedule. So worth it.
5. I rarely enforced tummy time. Cha Cha still walked at 10 months and Little Cheese is on the move at six months thanks to her log-rolling proficiency. Yeah, not too worried.
6. I used disposable diapers. “Oh the chemicals” you may cry, but hey, oxygen is a chemical and no one is bitching about too much of that.
7. I buy generic everything. As it turns out, I was right about the formula being the same. New Target generic diapers, they are awesome, go buy some right now. Recent addition, anyone who ponied up for the "better" brand-name pain relievers/fever reducers just got screwed.
8. I often cheated on my “back to sleep” rules. My kids were side sleepers, then soon became tummy sleepers. Short of duct taping them to the bed, I see no way around this since they are such wiggle worms.
9. Blankets in the bed. Enough said. There were some stuffed animals too.
10. I don’t subscribe to a parenting technique with cult-like fanaticism. I know, I do my own thing hence parenting in a manner that flies entirely in the face of current millennial/hipster parent philosophy.
11. I also dont really feel a burning desire to cast judgment on how other people choose to parent their kids. I am curious, but at the end of the day, I am too busy parenting my own to really stress about what anyone else is up to! This will hardly make me an alpha mommy now will it?
There you have it...pray for my kids, they are clearly doomed.