Dearest Darling Vacuum,
You no longer suck up cheerios, puffs or bits of yarn. In our house, this means you are effectively useless. I have very much enjoyed your company, and relatively clean carpets, but if this generous attempt at cleaning out all your various bits fails to incite a change, you will be evicted.
I already have a replacement all picked out, but I would prefer not to make that purchase right now. Please, for the love of all that is holy, get your act together and last a few more months so that I need not risk having a brand new vacuum destroyed by whatever sorry excuse for movers the Navy hires for this round.
All my love and adoration,
PS The only thing worse than having to vacuum, is having to clean out the disgusting bits of the vacuum in the hopes that, yes, you might just get to do more vacuuming. This makes me hate you just a bit more.
PPS Please tell the dyer to hold out for 10 more weeks. While having to dry the loads of laundry in two batches since you can no longer accommodate a full load without generating a horrible noise is annoying, buying a new dryer only to have it dented all to hell in a few weeks is more than I can bear.