02 August 2010

Six Internet Motivators

As part of my quest to become the ultimate internet rubbernecker, I have come up with a few competitive challenges that I can only assume are the driving force behind most internet usage.

  1. Spin That Bitch- You compete to see who can turn a discussion to their personal tirade of choice the fastest. Professional competitors can turn a pleasant discussion about canning peaches into circumcision wank in three posts or less.
  2. Butthurt Bonanza- See who can be the most offended the fastest. A simple "good morning" can become a flame war about xenophobia in mere seconds. "It is nighttime here in China you ethnocentric American moron!"
  3. Flouncy Bouncy- Give the best "taking my kickball and going home" speech as many times as you can muster. Ideally you will leave, come back to remind everyone why you left, leave again, then return dragging your attention grabbing dead horse, only to leave again….really, for real this time…maybe…only if you don't have to come back and set us all straight again…..meanies. (Also known as Un-Subscribe-O-Rama.)
  4. Label Libel- Points earned for the number of cliquey little codes you have jammed in you "siggy." Bonus points for pointing out how someone is not "labely enough" to claim that they are that label. "You own diapers at all? Not EC! Shun the non-believer!"
  5. Hawthorne Jumble- Even if you are not (allegedly) paid by the word, everyone knows that the more you type, the greater an expert you are. Copious misspellings, use of "LOLspeak" and a complete disregard for punctuation and even rudimentary grammar are all good for bonus rounds.
  6. Special Snowflake-capades – Competitors aim to be the best exclusion to the rule. No matter what you are special and unique, now please tell us all about it. High point champions here tend to do well in Butthurt Bonanza. "Well of course I can't breathe nitrogen, special mystery syndrome you know, yet the world is so rude and hateful to allow it in the air. What about meeeee?"
There you have it. Games are easily altered for any use: drinking games, bingo…whatever blows your skirts up. Points may be awarded as you see fit and always remember: the game is not mocking the drama; it is mocking the ridiculous need for drama.


Check out more great lists at abdpbt.com courtesy of Listless Mondays.


Brooke said...

HILARIOUS. I think I would do well in Special Snowflake-capades!

Katy said...

Don't forget those who call for the internet counsel of Saul Fictionstien, Esq. to handle all pretend lawsuits!

Ginger said...

HA! Love it!

Heidi Maxwell said...

Belgian ROFLs!!