18 April 2011

Fat Fighters…Yeah It Is Pretty Much Just Like That

When I started this whole Weight Watchers thing and decided to be vain and do more than just get healthy, I set a goal weight that I felt was reasonable for me and went for it. The end plan was to lose the weight, get into maintenance and become a lifetime member. Having signed up for the online version I knew I would have to switch to meeting eventually to get that lifetime membership, but that was okay. I can switch whenever I want to. The real killer for this dream was the recent realization that you can only become a lifetime member if you set a goal weight that Weight Watchers determines is a healthy weight for you. That means that I basically have to get down into my healthy BMI range or pay the monthly fee forever, until the day I die or until I decide to just switch to maintenance. Granted I can stop paying when I reach my goal, but if I ever want to do the program again, I have to go back to paying and re-registering and all that. Awesomesauce. I am not saying it is not worth it, it totally is, you can't put a price on what I am doing here, but it is a major point of contention for me. Personally I know that I will probably never get down to 140. I have not weighed less than 140 in all of my adult life, even when I was wearing 6s and 8s, sporting a bra band size of 34 and rocking it out with less than 1200 calories a day (I know, I know, bad , bad, bad).

This realization has tainted all my hard work to date. While I do have good news:

  • I have lost 22 pounds and 16 inches off my body
  • You can really see the change in my tummy, the one area that really bothered me. (I am so fine with big butt, big thighs, I never had nice legs so who cares, but the horrible double stomach roll that anti-depressants gave me? Yeah that pissed me off. Poor mental health, the gift that keeps on giving.)
  • I am getting pretty fit, running miles in about 13 minutes, lifted a 5 gallon keg of beer the other day with ease that made the stock boy get all wide-eyed. Yeah baby!
  • I got a super cute dress for Sub Ball and felt really good wearing it, a major first for me.
I have also managed to focus on all these bad things:

  • I am still wearing my same size 14 jeans. They fit better, but they still fit just fine, 22 pounds and I have not dropped a dress size. I still had to buy my dress in a 16, sure it is way more of a Queen Latifah 16 and a lot less a Roseanne Barr 16, but still, a fricking 16.
  • I have no bras that fit and no way to get any…apparently. While the ones I have do not fit well anymore, no combination of cup or band sizes fits any better. I have not gotten any smaller, just different and even more oddly shaped. Simple extraordinary.
  • My friends are all within 10-12 pounds of their goal weights and looking at becoming lifetime members. I will have to lose another 40, yup you read that right 40 pounds before I can get there. One gal is super tall, so granted it is not really fair to compare us, but the other gal is my height and she is just doing so much better than I am. She is also training for a marathon (these women are so wonderful and such an inspiration lest you think I am a sour old friend-hater) and therefore gets the added advantage of eating more points per day than I do. Add in that I am projecting all my other jealousies here such as how one had kids in school so "has her life back"* and their spouses are still in school so they have the back-up/time to do things like find 3 hours a day to run and I am starting to think that I am a terrible person for even feeling this way. So jealous I could spit and green with envy is not a good color on me. I love these women and they are doing so well, and workings o hard, but it is really tough to keep these feelings in check right now.
  • I just don't see 140 in my future so the little voice in my head is saying things like "why bother?"
Now I am in serious funk. As petty as it is, I am now pretty peeved about it all. I am torn between the idea that I should just keep on doing it as I have been since it is working and the idea that I will be damned if I am going to pay for the privilege of busting my ass for a year just so I can still be told that I am too heavy to reap the benefits. If I want to feel like I am not good enough, I can do that for free. That is what is comes down to: I have worked so hard and done so well and it will never be good enough.

If it were not for the Fat Fighters skits of Little Britain fame constantly running through my head, this would have been dead in the water long ago…

*We all know that is not true, but my bummed out little brain loves to say unfair things like that.


Alicen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alicen said...

The dirty little secret is we all get jealous over something and usually it's the trivial things. I always wonder why in the hell do we do this to ourselves?!

Whether it makes you feel better or not I will say that I get jealous of you sometimes. I know that you eat more consistently better than I do and I really envy the fact that you seem to be able to exercise everyday! Meanwhile I struggle to fit it in 3 days a week and you see where this goes. We don't focus on the reasons behind these things, just that the grass is greener on the other side.

We all have bad days (weeks, months) and those are the times we focus on negative the most when it's also the time that that's the worst thing to do!

That really SUCKS about the lifetime member stuff!! I think that is probably an easy way to "pick" a weight so they don't have slackers qualifying for the benefits but the problem with basing it on BMI is how effing ridiculous BMI is in the first place! I'm not sure how else to base criteria for lifetime membership but I think they should change something. In the end it is about getting healthy and getting results that you can live with or keep. This is not about busting your ass to get super skinny just to qualify for the ultimate prize. I can see why your so bummed about this especially when you have some friends who are not having the same problem.

In my opinion I think you should stick with your original goals and reasons for doing this. Once you get down to a weight that you are happy and comfortable with and that you feel good at then why shouldn't that be enough. Now if you get to your original goal weight and you do not feel good about yourself then by all means lose a bit more but this is how people get such distorted visions of how they should be. It's someone or something else "telling" you what size/weight you should be. Even 2 people who are both 5'3" are going to have different builds, you can use us as an example...we're just built differently and will never wear the same size pants no matter our weights.

Just remember to keep your original intentions and goals in mind and try not to get too caught up in all the red tape. You didn't join WW to get the lifetime membership!

ChiGirl said...

I'm in WW and I think everyone hits a point where the counting gets irritating and the celebrations aren't quite as motivating when you look at all you still want to accomplish and it's slow and HARD sometimes. One week I switched my meeting just so I could verbalize how I felt like I was struggling with staying motivated. Even when I was a 6 my BMI was just barely in the healthy category. BMI is such a nightmare and really doesn't represent all frames correctly. I say stay with it and keep working at YOUR goals and try and distract yourself from measuring yourself against your friends.