04 June 2015

Cringe-Worthy Gym Flirting: A Primer on Not Getting Dates

I saw what was easily the greatest (and by that I mean most horribly depressing) round of flirting at my gym yesterday.  I should add here that there really isn’t a lot of this at my gym.  It is a small, local, family-oriented YMCA.  I am generally there during “working hours” so my crowd is strictly SAHPs and retirees.  One of the reasons that I pay double to go to the Y instead of some other gym (second to the childcare) is the distinct lack of hard-bods/lifting bros.  There isn’t exactly a wealth of young single types, so this was especially exciting.  Flirting millennials in their natural habitat. Good stuff.

The basic gist was guy standing and talking to woman who was stretching on the mats.  They were chatting pretty happily when I walked in.  She was obviously engaged, in a willing fashion, with whatever they were discussing.  Then things went downhill and fast.

Guy: I would totally be down there stretching with you…
Gal: Please do, I would like the company…
Guy: …but that isn’t really my scene. Commence endless droning…something…lifting….blah blah blah…squats…DOMS*….*fart noise*….forever and ever the end.

By the end she is, understandably, over this now.  She was into the conversation, offered an outlet to continue the flirtation, and the whole thing failed to open because he couldn’t stop yakking over her about his workout.  He honestly felt it was so important for the whole gym to hear the intimate details of his lifting routine that he completely missed the green-light.  His need to be indulged as the fittest/smartest/most important person there just flattened his flirting like a round of cinder-block dodge-ball.  Even in trying to engage this woman he felt it was entirely necessary to imply that she was gym-ing wrong, or that stretching was somehow inferior to lifting (as if comparing the two was even a viable discussion point).  Whoops! Probably not the best way to score with other gym people.

So, for all you pick-up-artist types who are confused as to why the “females refuse to be receptive to your genius game-playing” maybe try shutting up.  As in literally, not even joking, shut your fucking word hole every now and then and see what happens.  This guy missed his chance because he was so busy doing his “look at my mad fitness” spiel that he failed to noticed the signals of interest.  Just…don’t be this guy.

*Authors note: stretching something other than your talking muscle will help with this one